The BCA Outlook: #3

Quick review: #1– see your emotions: I’m sad and that’s okay. #2 – recognize emotions from thoughts: “I’m sad” is an emotion. “I feel bad” is a thought.

Moving forward to #3 – Don’t fight or resist your emotions.

When we fight our emotions, we are fighting ourselves. Not that emotions are who we are, but like breathing, bathroom or sleeping, emotions will happen whether we want them to or not. They are an essential part of our being that is automatic, hardwired and inevitable starting from birth. Our power over emotions is not to stop them, but to guide, manage and change them. To fight them is pretty much a guarantee that they will linger and get stronger. Emotional powers we resist, will persist.

So the question really becomes, “Is there anything we should resist?” “If we don’t resist, what should we do?” “When does resistance help?”

Weirdly, answering these questions is easy or difficult depending upon your perspective and understanding of the world.

Do we have emotional power or emotional intelligence? If you come from an emotional intelligence perspective and think emotions can be passionate guides in your life and that we can learn and gain insights from them, then do we accept or resist their insights and guidance? Do we follow what our emotions tell us to do? Do we resist our destructive and negative emotions? These are difficult questions to answer, unless you don’t believe emotions have intelligence, provide insights or give guidance. Then emotions are powerful and resistance doesn’t make sense because they are just giving us power.

Let’s look at anger.

There are many anger management self-help books that shout – “STOP BEING ANGRY!”

To them I would whisper, “please don’t shout your nonsense. Resistance is futile. Don’t stop being angry, if that is how you feel. Feel it. Be angry. It’s okay to be angry. Angry is a feeling. Violence is an action. Violence is a thought. Violence is not okay. Violence is harmful, unhealthy and hurtful. Stop being violent.”

In the middle of the pandemic, I did a zoom intake with a client that was angry! Very angry. When we first met, he looked angry with a tense face and sharp voice demanding to get help to stop being so angry. I could sense, feel and hear his anger. He stated that he had a history of domestic violence. He expressed being angry all the time at his wife and step-son, at work and with co-workers, and angry at life. He didn’t think therapy helps, because it didn’t help before, but he really didn’t know what else to do. He was angry about the pandemic and frustrated sitting in his car talking to the therapist through his phone.

My first words to him were, “It’s okay to be angry.”

His shocked response was “Really?”

He hadn’t expected that an experienced mental health therapist would tell him that it was okay to be angry. That it was okay to be supper angry. Even overwhelmed with anger. That resisting his anger wasn’t helping.

Then I explained, “Angry is a feeling. Violence is an action. We are hard wired to have emotions starting at birth. We can’t stop emotions from happening. Emotions just give us power, without guidance or direction, because we are not driven by instincts. We chose how to express our emotional powers. All emotions, no matter how uncomfortable, unwanted or overwhelming are okay. Anger doesn’t tell us what to do, it just gives up power. All emotions are okay. However, violent actions or thoughts are not okay, and can be challenged and changed. Resisting violence in thoughts and actions is very useful and effective.”

In that moment, he relaxed a bit. His anger was less. He stopped being angry about being angry. He realized for the first time that he could stop fighting his angry power and find better skills to mange and change how he was creating his anger in the first place.

Let’s look at depression.

I had a client come into the office and I felt the oppression of her depression.

She stated, “I’m depressed and I don’t want to be.”

I asked, “What’s going on in your life.”

She sadly sighed and then replied, “Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend. On Valentine’s day, because he was cheating on me. Then I found out I was pregnant. I lost my job. Got kicked out of school. And had to move back home, but my Mom tells me that she hates me and wishes I had never been born.”

My first reply to her was, “It’s okay to be depressed.”

Her shocked response was, “Really? I can be depressed?”

I then reassured her and explained, “Yes, absolutely you can be depressed if that is what you are feelings. And you know the many reasons why you are feeling depressed. In this case, feeling depressed is a healthy and natural response to some pretty horrible things that are happening in your life. You see, we are hardwired to have emotions automatically from birth. Emotions just give us power without guidance or insight. So, if you are feeling depressed, feel depressed. And then, moving forward, we will figure out new skills of thoughts and actions to manage and reduce your depression. ”

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I know it doesn’t change what I am dealing with, and I still don’t like it, but I feel better just knowing that feeling depressed is okay to feel.”

One reason people often feel that emotions give us power and directions or guidance is because different emotions feel different because they give us different kinds of power. Different powers with different urges, impulses, hormones, neurotransmitters and sensations. Depression power weights us down, like we are buried under an avalanche. Anger power feels like we want to fight against something. Anxiety feels on edge, uneasy, worried with a vague fear of something unknown. Happy power lifts us up.

Emotional powers are different and can be opposites or complimentary. Opposites like fire and water. Complimentary life fire and wind. For example, in a very real sense depression or sad is the opposite power of happy. Sad weighs us down; happy lifts us up.

So, emotions give us power, different kinds of power, but not direction or guidance. So, fighting or resisting our emotions is not helpful or effective and often times makes matters worse. Emotional powers we resist persist. Emotions that we bury are like tiny seeds we plant and will only grow bigger.

So, Let’s consider the questions we began with.

“Is there anything we should resist?” Yes, our thoughts and actions.

“If we don’t resist, what should we do?” Accept our emotional power as it is.

“When does resistance help?” It helps when we resist our destructive thoughts and actions. It helps to gain insights for developing better skills of our thoughts and actions to to challenge, change and harness our emotional powers. It helps when we recognize and stop using our thoughts, values and beliefs to create and then harness strong emotional power to disrespect, invalidate and control others to live within our comfort zone. 

So when we stop resisting our emotions; know how emotions and thoughts are different; and accept all of our emotions … now what?