The BCA Outlook: #1

The first step to learning how to manage our emotions, is much like the first step in learning how to swim – you have to get used to the water; you have to get use to the feelings. A simple step towards change that is easy, yet scary at the same time 

The BCA outlook is about making changes in our life. To see and then do, something new. Because, we cannot solve problems by using the same thinking that we used when creating them.

The BCA outlook presents a radically new and innovative, yet already innately known, perspective that emotions give us power. Then, it goes just a little bit further to recognizing that emotions only give us power and not direction, guidance or insights. From this new emotional power perspective, the challenge is to understand what it means and how it impacts our life. But it takes a while for the shifted perspective to sink in, so for now, we’ll just wade in a little bit and get used to the water.

We’ll start with the first big challenge – just saying to yourself that emotions only giving us power.

The concept of seeing emotions as power is just a small shift in perspective that is easily understood. In fact, you don’t even have to learn anything new because you already know that emotions give us power. You know that emotions are very powerful, and most likely you have experienced some very powerful overwhelming emotions in your life. Maybe emotions so strong that they seemed to take over your thoughts and actions. However, emotions don’t take over.

I know that sounds radical, that emotions don’t have intelligence and can’t provide any guidance. I know that it also sounds scary that emotions don’t take over. Scary because clearly people do become overwhelmed with emotions and seem to lose control. If emotions aren’t to blame, then what is causing the loss of control? Aren’t we getting emotionally hijacked?

There is no easy way to explain how emotions only give us power. Emotions seem the obvious choice to blame when we are overwhelmed. Especially since emotional power has been with us from the start of our lives. In fact, after 15 years of seeing and understanding that emotions only giving us power, and working with hundreds of clients, I can explain and show why is is true that emotions only give us power, and yet, there is still so much more to figure out. Emotional power is so simple, and yet complicated.

The best analogy that I can think of is water. Water is simple and complicated. Water isn’t intelligent, but it is powerful and essential. Our relationship with water changes, but water doesn’t tell us anything. And the first step of getting used to the water requires nothing but relaxing and letting go of the fears we hold on to of the unknown. 

So, if you were suddenly thrown into the middle of a pool, pond or lake, what would happen? Would you drown or swim? Panic or relax? Can the water intelligence guide you and determine your fate? Or, does your own insightful intelligence determine what happens based on your skills, beliefs, memories, abilities, guidance and experiences?

Emotions can be like water. With no skills we drown and with skills we thrive. With skills, we can swim or have an awesome pool party. With skills and tools, we can waterski, jet ski or scuba dive. With skills, tools and attitude, we can harness the steam of water to cook; the ice of water to skate, and the flowing river water to generate electricity for our homes. Water, without an ounce of intelligence or ability, can be awesome or deadly depending upon how well we can manage it. Emotions are like that too.

So, why do we keep trying to add intelligence to our emotional power?

We don’t try to add intelligence to water. We don’t say or think that water decides who swims and who drowns. That water can be a passionate guide in our lives that gives us perspective and insights that we can learn from. That there is destructive and bad water. That water can hijack us with a mind of its own.

So, why do we insist upon adding intelligence to our emotional impulses? Why is it so important to us that emotions have a mind of their own? Why do we want to believe in emotional intelligence?

Well, seeing emotions as intelligent gives us an excuse. We can blame emotions for our unanticipated, unexpected and unintelligent actions. If emotions are smart and can be passionate guides that would explain why humans sometimes act so irrational. Why we lose control of our behaviors when we are so emotionally overwhelmed. If emotional intelligence guides us, and can even hijack our thoughts, then we can blame our emotions for how we act.

However, while it is a great excuse to blame our emotions, it’s still just an excuse. It is not true. Just like water can overwhelm us, scare us and destroy us without any water intelligence of its own. Emotions only give us power, without guidance or direction.

What really causes us to lose control when we are emotionally overwhelmed is lacking the skills, ability and experience to manage our innate emotional powers. Skills, abilities and experiences that we gain as we grow. That is why to a child losing a toy is emotionally overwhelming. To a teen, dating can be overwhelming. To an adult losing a job can be overwhelming. To a senior, death can be overwhelming.

To use the water analogy, to learn to swim, we first have to get used to the water. Once we get used to the water, there is a whole world just waiting to be discovered.

So, seeing our emotions as power is an old idea and a new perspective. Just like like seeing the wheel from a new perspective.

When you think about the shifted perspective, that emotions just give us power and not direction or guidance, it is easy to understand the concept and yet still not know what it means. Like the wheel.

The shape of round has been around forever. The shape of the wheel wasn’t a new discovery that didn’t exist. People saw round shapes, wheel shapes all around them. But, taking that shape and using it to move something, now that was a radical change of practice and perception. When the first person used the shape of a wheel to move something, a whole new world of possibilities opened up. The same is true when we can see that emotions only give us power. It changes our way of seeing which changes our vision with new empowering insights of who we really are.

The shape of the wheel, just like our emotions, have always existed, but learning a new perspective of how to use it in our life changes everything. So, let’s move forward to a new way of thinking.

The process to begin a new way of thinking, starts with that first step into the water to just get used to the water. Just take a moment to relax yourself. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Relax and breath. When you are ready, read these words out loud to yourself – “I’m emotional and that’s okay.”

We already know that we are emotional. We already know that being emotional is part of being alive. Being emotional is innate to being human. So, just allow yourself to relax and be okay with being your emotional self. Practice, and say it a few times, “I’m emotional and that’s okay.”

Now, if and when you are ready, we can to take another step. This one is a little scary, even though the water isn’t deep. A step that states it is okay to put a name to being emotional. That it is okay to name your emotional self.

When you are ready, willing and brave enough, read on. I know it sounds weird saying that, but many clients, friends and family struggle with saying it is okay to be emotional. And often they say it is okay, but don’t believe it is okay. That’s the challenge, to feel comfortable when you say it is okay to be emotional.

To take the next step, try saying this – “I’m depressed and that’s okay.” “I’m anxious and that’s okay.” I’m angry and that’s okay.” I’m happy and that’s okay.”

Find and name any emotion within you. Speak its name. All of your emotions are okay. Feel and know that it is okay to have your emotional power.

We will take another step in the next blog.

“I’m brave and that’s okay.”

I’m getting used to the water.